


ruminations

by enchantingoats



Series: snk scenes - bittersweet edition [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, F/M, Post-Canon, Sad, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers, an ending i would rather not see, mikasa deserves better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:41:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29095185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enchantingoats/pseuds/enchantingoats
Summary: For the truth was it hurt more to lay now on a bed alone than on any of the barn floors they’d slept on together.a quasi-accompaniment to "for the better," which is part 3 of this collection.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Series: snk scenes - bittersweet edition [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2128788
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	ruminations

It was the nights when the window let in the draft, when threadbare blankets and a dying hearth could not stave away the cold, and no amount of friction could generate enough warmth to welcome dreamless sleep.

Dreamless sleep was the only refuge free of memory—undying—unlike its subjects.

Because to create reasons to move on, to live on, was harder when there was so little to live for. It had been out of self-preservation that her list of loved ones was so short; too many, and it became unwieldy, impossible to protect. Yet, everyone she’d ever loved had left. Left _her_.

The shivers that shook her shoulders and cramped her neck, the iciness of fingers that would not warm, and each shaking breath made it clearer. For the truth was it hurt more to lay now on a bed alone than on any of the barn floors they’d slept on together. When she could turn and watch him, breaths mingling, and know that they would endure because the world was cruel, but there was so much yet to live for because life was beautiful.

_Thank you for teaching me how to live._

There had been an innocence, a peace, that only came when he slept. Soft hair that brushed the tip of his nose, mouth lolled open, and soft slow breaths. Such boyish charm.

What happens when what was beautiful to you fades away?

Strength served a purpose. Honed and true, reliable till the very end. Even muscles held memory, guided by thoughts so instinctual that it had been impossible in the end to keep herself from forgetting. When it came to Eren, it was easy to cut the nape of a titan. And her strength had been beautiful because it had held a purpose—to help and protect, to fight, because only when you fight can you win, and if you win you can treasure the memories and the people in your life.

She had been grateful, in a sense, to watch it go. To be strong was to persevere, and Mikasa didn’t think she had a solid reason to push forward anymore.

To crush civilians, children...was that the boy she’d fallen in love with? _No, stop it, no more, come home._ His fists had battered down, swept across stands of soldiers; it had been nauseating, even for her. It had been so disgusting to him, so why?

In that moment, there had been tenderness, but only when he’d looked at her. As if the gravity of the situation had lain with her and not the destruction around them. Yet later, even that was gone. 

These were the memories he’d left her with.

There had been a time when memories were worth living for. The warmth of a scarf and focused courage that helped her move forward, because being with Eren was right, would always be right. And if he could not be with her, then he would live on in her memories.

He had said he was sorry he could not give her what she wanted in this lifetime. Did he even know it? The thought had corrupted, had perverted every childhood fantasy, every sweetness fringed with nostalgia for those better times. _I just want to be by Eren’s side._ Because he had given her everything she had wanted once, but staying was never enough for him.

He had said it was to make parting easier, but it hadn’t. Only left a coated aftertaste on every memory—he said he hated her and then done more of _that_ and yet which felt worse, was worse she did not know—

It disgusted her at times, the person she had become.

If sleep wouldn’t come, perhaps the stars would offer more solace.

Past window panels—distortive and deceptive—to clear expanses of moonlit sky. Cold and distant starlight; thousands of eyes ever watching, all knowing. 

It must be up there, the souls of the ones she had loved, the ones she had lost. Outnumbered by the ones she murdered to protect the ones she had loved and lost. At the end, she had loved him, but it hadn’t mattered. Her love hadn’t saved worlds or kept the ones she loved safe. It had brought ruination and demise. And now they were gone.

They said you died twice. 

Once when you passed on. The second when your name was spoken for the last time.

Mikasa wondered if she would only suffer one death.

**Author's Note:**

> I think “for the better” and “ruminations” are like two sides of the same coin, sort of, but putting them together kind of gave me whiplash? so separate they are. like Yoda’s speech pattern, my sentence structure is.
> 
> i also might tweak a little bit of the wording in the second half, not fully happy with it. we shall see...


End file.
